When travelling down the surrogacy path, the most important part is the relationship between the surrogate (and her partner, if she has one) and the intended parents. And rather than just hoping, or ‘feeling’ that everyone is on the same page, it is much better to commit some time and energy to setting expectations and building the relationship and trust between you.  The list of issues that you need to discuss is endless – but arguably fall into five main categories. The categories are –

  1. Before Conception
  2. During Pregnancy
  3. Labour and Birth
  4. Fourth Trimester & Beyond
  5. Financial Arrangements

At the Surrogacy Sisterhood Day, we spend some time workshopping those expectations, so that we know what topics we need to discuss with our intended parents. Some of the things we come up with are listed below – remember these lists are no exhaustive, but might assist in developing your own list and start conversations in your own team.

Expectations – Before Conception

  • Communication – frequency, methods
  • Time frames
  • Legals – which lawyers, when
  • Counselling – clinic or private, when
  • Childcare arrangements for surrogacy appointments
  • Meeting up and spending time together
  • When to tell others of the plans
  • Social media sharing and tagging
  • Number of pregnancy attempts
  • Embryo creation and quality
  • Geographical logistics
  • Political views
  • Taking time out (“Annual Leave”)
  • Mental Health support

Expectations – During Pregnancy

  • Communication
  • Vaccination (of surrogate and intended parents)
  • Termination of pregnancy
  • Birth and parenting classes
  • Genetic and diagnostic testing
  • Hospital and healthcare provider choice
  • Health and fitness
  • Help at home for surrogate family
  • Childcare
  • Spending time together
  • Social media sharing, tagging
  • Announcing pregnancy to others
  • Counselling and mental health support
  • Attending appointments
  • Scans
  • Asking for Help

Expectations – Labour and Birth

  • Birth plans – hospital, home
  • Type of birth, pain relief
  • Support persons, doula/private midwife
  • C-section arrangements – who will be in theatre
  • When surrogate will tell the intended parents she is in labour
  • Childcare arrangements
  • Travel to hospital
  • Birth photographer
  • Who ‘catches’ baby
  • Skin-to-skin
  • Cord Clamping
  • Colostrum, Milk and feeding
  • Rooms and arrangements at hospital
  • Leaving hospital
  • Surrogate’s family to visit
  • Placenta
  • Announcing the birth to others
  • Social Media sharing and tagging

Expectations – Fourth Trimester and Beyond

  • Vaccinations
  • Medical treatment
  • Cuddle time with surrogate
  • Contact arrangements – visits, frequency, logistics
  • Photographs
  • Social media sharing and tagging
  • Timeframe for intended parents to return home (if not local)
  • Milk and feeding
  • Paperwork for birth registration and Parentage Order
  • Counselling and mental health support
  • Ongoing future contact
  • Language and roles – Aunty, Birth Mother, Tummy Mummy…?
  • Asking for help

Expectations – Financial Arrangements

  • Intended parents capacity to fund the surrogacy
  • List of expected expenses
  • Surrogate and partner’s time off for appointments
  • Payment arrangements – reimbursement, EFT, bank card access for surrogate
  • Communication – appointing ‘spokespersons’ for each couple

If you are looking to write your own lists of expectations, you can use this template.

Extra special thanks to Carla Pincombe and her intended parents for the template, and to the Sisterhood women who contributed to the above lists.

Hi! I’m Sarah Jefford. I’m a surrogacy, fertility and family lawyer. I’m also an IVF Mum, an egg donor and a traditional surrogate, and I delivered a baby for her Dads in 2018.

I advocate for positive, best practice surrogacy arrangements within Australia, and provide support and education to help intended parents make informed decisions when pursuing overseas surrogacy.

You can get in touch with me through the options below.

Contact Me

PO Box 366, Batman VIC 3058

Phone: 0400481703